Thursday, January 20, 2005
Bent Coppers !
So, a bit cheekily, I said that he could under the same conditions as Dave’s Cat. He didn’t even flinch – Any time you want to use it that’s fine with me – I’ll even put petrol in it (11mph) and you can use it on the garage insurance as I have to employ a bloke to drive it for weddings etc. The upshot being there’s this great thing sticking out of the garage as it was a bit long and the door kept blowing up as it would not quite click on to the lock. Next thing I know I get a phone call from someone I knew at HQ telling me to watch my back as I’m being investigated for being “bent”. Strange, that’s usually for the old time ex metpol CID not village bobbies. Sure enough comes the call in to the main police station. In I go, ushered in to the Inspector’s office to “cool my heels” – then comes the Spanish Inquisition ! Insp ***** and Sgt !!!!! from Complaints and Discipline.
“We’ve had a complaint from one of your parishioners that you must either have a private income that we don’t know about, or you’re on the take “ “I must caution you that etc etc etc “
“wot”, says I, confused ? “No doubt you have checked my bank account and know that until pay day next week I am about £20 overdrawn”
“Exactly”, “How can you afford expensive cars, and boats then ??”
“Wot”, says I, in another stunning verbal riposte – “I’ve got a 10 year old Volvo estate, in dire need of a full service” and a 5 year old caravan which is paid for”
A Great light suddenly dawns - With some fast talking and the general belief that no one could be that stupid I manage to convince them that all is above board, couple of phone calls and two statements of ownership and the wheels stuck back on to the wagon.
It would appear that some sticky beaking, nosy b*****d on the patch had seen said car and boat in my garden and leapt to the conclusion that their village bobby was some sort of bent copper, like on the TV ! I ask you, deep in rural Oxfordshire (mind you the Krogers Lived in Great Barrington) just a couple of villages down the road. Just as a final sort of cherry on top. I only used the Roller once, just too sort of try it out and say that I had driven one. Drove she who must be obeyed into the middle of Oxford. Parked on the double yellow lines right outside the Randolph Hotel, the doorman in waistcoat and top hat no less – opened the doors and ushered us in. Went in to bar, had an orange juice and watched to see if Morse would come in (he didn’t) went back out a half hour later. The doorman ushered us in to car and we drove off. Its true, the power of a Roller negates all parking wardens !!!
He sold the car a while later, and we got a new van with a lower, badge bar type blue light instead of the blue “tit”
On the top. This fitted in to the garage. I had a happy summer sailing the Cat, as Dave admitted he had only bought it to impress his new partner and was scared of sailing it as it was a bit of a beast – you could get the damned thing up to about 30 knots in a good wind and it would literally tow a water skier behind it ! He sold it in the autumn – pity, and life returned to normal in the village. I would still like to know who “informed” on me.
There were some shifty looks in the pub for a few weeks but I never did find out !
As he had lived there almost all his life he had no mortgage to speak of, and on selling the house could spend almost all the money on his new gaff.
He transferred to Northumbria Police, bought a house next door to the Chief Constable and within a few weeks was being investigated for being "bent". It was the Chief who bubbled him though, didn't like the woody living next door :-)
The "Guvners" !! think that everyone is bent and police constables are the worst of the lot !! - Too much watching the Sweeny I'd say !