Wednesday, December 29, 2004
I Bet Jeremy Clarkson's Laughing
Says I . “Great”, says she “We’ll take the caravan down to Maidenhead and go to mumsie’s for Christmas”
Thinks “What happened to me grand plan to get absolutely shit faced and wake up Boxing day – foiled again SOOOO we loaded up the van and headed for a little 5 van site in Holyport – just behind mumsie’s house on the Windsor Road at Bray. As usual, everything started to go wrong. We appear to have had a mouse(s) in the van and there were little mouse presents everywhere . More worrying was the intermittent electrical fault on the heater system. Fired up the Generator and worked off mains power – all right but still no gas heating ? Just before we set off I changed the gas cylinder in Witney so thought I had at least one and a half before it ran out. Was ok Christmas eve, then Christmas morning – low gas warning
Check bottles – both empty It would appear that when I went to the hop in Witney to change the cylinder I picked up the empty one instead of a full one – Dumbo. Ran round all morning Boxing day trying to find someone selling propane cylinders (the orange ones ) – no chance –lots of blue butane ones – they freeze up in cold weather, and true to form we have just hit the coldest snap of the winter. Ended up buying a small electric fan heater and ramping up the generator to run it ! used up a gallon of petrol on boxing day but kept warm at least. Packed up yesterday and came home – Two nights at work and then back out in the van for New Year – I am a glutton for punishment !!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
How to Give Bad Advice
“Well”, says I. “What I would do when I heard one coming, would be to hide behind a tree and when they came past, I would stick my walking stick through the front wheel of the bike. That would give them a shock!!”
Having given the old chap some food for thought I resumed my steady 2mph peregrinations through God’s wonderful creation. Later that week I’m in the High Street, when a call comes through on the bat phone
“To the woods, it cries!” “No, No, I’ll tell the vicar” – Sorry wrong joke!
“To the woods” it cries, “There’s been an accident, Ambulance attending” So girding up of the loins, and full ramming speed on the trusty velocipede, I make my way to the woods. “Good oh”, thinks me medics have got here first as I can see the blue lights of the ambulance twinkling. “What’s the score?” – says I the paramedic is working on what looks like one of my little biker chums
“Broken arm. Several ribs and lacerations to both legs, and it looks like his bike is a write off”. “What the hell did you hit?” I ask the poor little wounded soldier, as he lays there groaning. “I didn’t hit nothing”, he replies with the council house grammar of his forbears. “Some old geezer was hiding behind a tree and as I rode past he stuck a stick in me front wheel, and I went right over the top!!”
Exit stage left pursued by a bear !!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Wonders of Technology
I now begin to see how Apple Mac users stay with them. Why did we go with the other lot when this sort of kit is available ? It happened with Videos – Betamax went and VHS stayed. This ranks alongside the new sky box for simplicity and even old fools like me can operate it.
Going into PC world for another look at the Apple Mac on me next day off – who knows – perhaps another convert !
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Stranger than Fiction
Police enquiries with neighbours reveal (standard terminology) “Aint you ‘eard mate” “He won the lottery,last week ,fifteen million.” “Heard it on the car radio driving home”. According to witnesses (standard terminology again) The car owner was seen to stop the car jump out making strange whooping noises and call a taxi. According to neighbours – he got home, grabbed the wife and kids, packed passports only, taxied to London and was now, apparently living the life of Riley in Jamaica.
Further enquiries with Immigration and Jamaican Police confirmed this – He told them “Anyone who wants the car ??? can take it away, keys are in it “ and the Council can keep their sodding house – furniture and fittings free”
Funny thing – they haven’t returned yet – that was six months ago now
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Arriving at Nogales, Mexico, the border town, we scouted about a bit and found the “Official Border Crossing Point”.
We were in uniform (jungle greens, and berets), carrying large Bergen rucksacks with tents, bedrolls etc, including large machete type jungle knives strapped on to the top, and Union Flags sewn on the Top flap.
There were two distinct crossing points. A very nice, airconditioned, carpeted building marked “US and Domestic” and a sort of Cattle shed hot and dusty with long lines of persons outside marked “Foreigners and Aliens”. So we thought, bugger waiting about with the hoi polloi we’ll take the easy option. So in we go to the nice, air conditioned, carpeted US and Domestic building. Two very large Americans festooned with guns, cords, badges and patches, wearing what they call Smokey the Bear hats – but we call Boy Scout (Baden Powell) hats ! approach. We politely enquire regarding entry to the Land of the Free ! At which point they put on their War faces and start shouting – “Listen you foreigners – get back in line with the wet backs in the Aliens entry point”, and start to try and shove us out of the building. Up speaks John Bull, whipping out his trusty Blue Passport (in those days we had proper Passports!)
“Listen my good man”(always a good start when dealing with over officious authority)
“It says here”(opening at page one)
“Her Brittanic Majesty’s Principle Secretary for Foreign Affairs, REQUIRES you to assist the bearer of this Passport without let or hinderance, AND, apart from anything else, We are English, YOU are foreigners !”
Strange, they turned a funny shade of purple – went well with the purple pocket flaps on their shirts – Next thing we know its into the cell block and the strip search and the significant putting on the rubber gloves with the elastic snap ! Ouch, oh, oh the enema didn’t help much either. The machete on top of the bed roll had slipped round underneath it, so they were also trying to charge us with concealed weapons as well as “unspecified”, “possible” charges of trying to enter the Country illegally and some sort of drugs charges – At this time the only drugs us squaddies used were Asprin to get rid of the hangovers ! Luckily I had been going out with a Secretary in the American Consulate in Belize, so she had arranged an A1 multiple entry, diplomatic Visa for us ( all multi coloured and taking up a whole page in the Passport.
They had absolutely no sense of humour at all – it took several phone calls and umming and arring before they would let us in (although after that I wasn’t sure I wanted to go ! Mind you I’ve dined out on the story several times and most of us seemed to think it was amusing ! strange persons our colonial cousins
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Enough already. I have just read through the nominations for the 2004 Blog of the year awards, and though I swore that I would not get hot under the collar about current affairs and would write about things which amused my in my life as a squaddie, and latterly as a policeman. we all have to take a stand somewhere. Most of the blogs were beautifully written, erudite politically aware comments on current affairs – not like the blogs I love to read, Scary Duck, Neighbour of the hoors, Howling spoons and company who’s amusing, sometimes raw and certainly not PC logs have something to say. Fox hunting – who cares (except the foxes) let’s do something about the gangs of “traveller types” who go coursing then abandon their dogs when police get close to them – badger baiters and dog/cock fights YES – lock em up – Persons who break in to your property to steal (or worse) follow the American Special Forces motto – “kill em all, let god sort them out”. Teachers being beaten up at school then the education committees forcing head teachers to take the little scrotes back ! Fire fighters and paramedics being stoned and petrol bombed whilst trying to save lives !
I admit to bias about the Police – but how can anyone in their right minds other than those with 20/20 hindsight
Want to prosecute officers who have a split second in which to decide whether or not to shoot the person coming towards them waving an imitation firearm/something that looks like a firearm, and then wonder why the other officers hand in their firearm’s tickets when they hand down a ludicrous decision. NO it’s not lack of sympathy for the poor person who does get shot or their families BUT if they weren’t behaving in that manner in the first place it would not put the officers between the rock and the hard place.
WE ARE ALL TO BLAME for this state of affairs. The educational experiments of the sixties (remember) now are the parents and grandparents of the don’t care generation – no respect for anyone How can any sane person break into an 84 yr old pensioner’s house and beat her up(or worse) for the sake of a few pounds ? School bullies? yes but bullying the teachers ! The police are just as culpable – lack of resources and “quicker response times” lead to the Panda car – no more bobbies pounding the beat – just reactive policing – send a car – the Old fashioned bobby – tea drinking, school visiting, helping old ladies across the road, Gone for ever. Now we have restorative justice ?, cautioning ? ARRRRGH – bring back hanging and flogging ! We are all so careful about being PC. we are all being bullied by Religious leaders from the Pope’s views on condoms, via the Imams trying to force Islam down the throats of the majority Christian population to the DUP’s “No surrender” policies. Gay rights, illegal immigrants’ rights, everybody else’s bloody rights. ENOUGH I SAY ENOUGH – SOMEONE SOMEWHERE DO SOMETHING BEFORE THE COUNTRY COLLAPSES UNDER THE RIGHTS OF SPANISH FISHERMEN TO DEPLETE OUR FISH STOCKS WHILST OUR TRAWLERS ARE LAID UP – WE LOSE WHAT’S LEFT OF OUR CURRENCY
WE LOSE OUR STATE RELIGION, WE ALL HAVE TO CARRY ID CARDS, AND ALL RIGHT THINKING ENGLISHMEN IMMIGRATE TO ANTARCTICA !!! CARPE SCROTUM !!
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Reply After Caution
Up stands me, a vision in my pressed blue uniform with the little halo over the top and the words “trust me” embroidered on the back !!! Produces trusty pocket book, “notes made at the time, your worship”
“And I arrested the defendant, in the seat of the Ford Cortina, index number ABC123D, a vehicle which had been reported stolen some 2 hours before. I cautioned him and his reply after caution was”
“I will tell you anything you want officer, but please stop hitting me”
Dreadful silence for some seconds. The magistrate says,
“Can you repeat that Officer” – so I repeat it. Another silence. The magistrate then says
“Officer, did you in anyway assault the defendant ?”
I says, “Other than holding his arm whilst arresting him (It was always considered good practice to actually hold on to the defendant when arresting them- in case they were away on their toes for one thing !), and then handcuffing him before placing him in to the police vehicle, no your Worship” The magistrate still looks puzzled and then says to the defendant. “Did the Officer assault you on your arrest ?”
Scrote replies “Nah mate, he’s nicked me loads of times and unless you kick off he‘s all right” (told you he was not right in the head !)
“So why did you make that reply, knowing that the Officer would write it down, and produce it as evidence in court”
“Don’t know mate, but I thought it sounded funny at the time – didn’t think he’d write it all down”
“That, young man, is a typical example of the worst type of behaviour that you young persons of today seem to think is amusing”
“Gotcha”, thinks I
He tries to give some sort of rambling evidence on his own behalf about being in the passenger seat and as I had forced the vehicle into a wall whilst trying to stop the lunatic doing 60-70mph in a 30mph limit he couldn’t get out of the passenger side so had tried to get our of the driver’s door ?? – As there were about 10-15 witnesses to the pursuit, and subsequent arrest, who all, strangely enough only saw the defendant in the car, driving. This defence sort of fell apart.
The magistrate then says to chummie
“It is plain that you have not only wasted the Court’s time, the witnesses and the Officer’s time with your frivolous “not guilty” plea, you seem to find it amusing to make stupid statements after caution, you can therefore laugh this off” He then gave him 28 days in jug, £200 fine, disqualified him (again) from driving and £200 costs
I managed to get out of court before I fell about laughing.
Some times you have good days in court ! This was one of the best