Wednesday, November 17, 2004


Wind-up (Two)

This is the story of a another wind-up in the days when political correctness meant voting Conservative for Police men and women (no integration in those days)The Wimmins (long before Greenham Common) were a separate department and dealt with “Ladies matters” – lost kids, looking after grieving relatives, making tea and all the usual multi tasking (oops political correctness creeping in). We get a new Wopsie (slang for WPC) on shift. This one is an ex cadet – the very worst as they tend to know more than you, have had most of the wind ups perpetrated on them already and are street wise and hard to fool. However, this one was worst than most as she was on the Force Swimming team (it was mostly cadets in those days as they tended to be fitter than most smoking,drinking and non-exercising Constables) and was a champion in Life saving. She went on and on about all the competitions she had won. “Ah” thought one devious and wizened old Constable, “I know the perfect thing to wind her up, listen and I’ll tell you”.
And so, In High Wycombe, where this episode occurs, there is a long park on the A40 called the Rye – in this park is a boating lake, leading on to a river/stream also, spookily enough, called the Rye. So late one evening, a group of dark blue clad, furtive figures appear carrying a store dummy, “borrowed” from one of the chain stores. This dummy is clad in a boiler suit and tied to a fishing line = the rod being also secreted about the person of one of the officers (difficult to hide a 6ft fishing rod about one’s person – but that’s another story!). As one earwig said to the other “earwigo” (puns getting worse) – in to the Rye goes the “body” – out goes the fishing line and we creep round to the other side of the lake, paying out the line as we go. The Sergeant, being a central player in the wind up, has, naturally put the new Wopsie on foot patrol on the A40 near the Rye. Quick radio call for her assistance – body in the water feebly struggling and she is off like a blue clad avenger – It is a late summer evening and it is almost, but not quite dark and with some energetic tugging on the line, we managed to get the dummy out into the middle of the lake and splashing about. She appears on the scene – we are all hidden in the bushes on the other side, some 20 yards away. My word she’s keen – off with the sensible shoes, off with the skirt – my word she’s wearing stockings and suspenders ! and in to the slimy, duck shit covered lake like a long dog and swimming well! – Sure enough, we wind in, she swims further, and just before she catches up with the dummy at the bank we all stand up, and so does she, a vision in a wet white police shirt and stocks and shocks !
Slightly offset by pond weed and duck shit ! – but non the less a sight to behold – and guess what – some swine has “borrowed” the Polaroid camera from Custody and Snap Snap and the evidence is all there – For a small while there was a sharp intake of breath – but when it sunk in she realised she had been well and truly “had” she took it in good part – although for some time afterwards the polariod photos circulated in the men’s locker rooms. Strangely enough she didn’t enter the National Life Saving competitions that year !! and many a young policeman’s erotic fantasies were satisfied by the photos (I wonder where they ended up ??

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